I decided to re-start my journal...

And get ready. It's gonna be a LONG post.

So let's see, my last post was in what August? So a ton of things have happened since that time.

In September 2010, I finally got off my ass and got out of the HIE and into a hotel that is 100 times better where they have a proper management system and treat their employees like humans. Yeah, I know.

I'm still doing Audit, but I am making a hell of a lot more and have full benes. Whoo! And I'm right across from Disney again. YAY!

In October 2010, 10-10-10 to be exact, Jack and I finally were married. It was a splendid ceremony, not at Knott's like we had been trying for, but another venue that actually worked out so much better. It was at The Empty Grave, a maze located at the Anaheim Gardenwalk owned by some of Jack's friends. That had some of our family and closest friends attending, even most of my family was there.

I will post a different blog with pics for that soon.

Also was of course Haunt, and this year was a group trip, with Jack, Alex, Keith, Alex's boyfriend Paul and myself. And we had a blast as usual. Keith was already chomping at the bit asking for Haunt in 2011. I love that boy.

November went by nicely and I was able to have a small Thanksgiving with my turkey and all the trimmings.

December was busy, busy as all of us were working and possibly trying to move into a house with our friend Kile. I hadn't planned on putting up the tree or really celebrating, but to my surprise I came home Christmas morning to see that the tree and some decor was up as well as some gifts under the tree. That was a very sweet thing to do and a nice day. I also received my 3 month review to which I got a very good result.

January? Well, January was a pretty smooth month. Not too many things, basic life stuff.

But February....ah, now this past month was a lot to deal with. On the 8th, I had my birthday. We of course went to Disneyland and spent the whole day there. It was great fun as always.

But then tragedy happened on the 9th. A friend of mine(James' brother)was over visiting and he got a call from James' girlfriend. It was her saying that James was in the emergency room and that he was going home after being there for 6 hours. No one knew what was wrong, only that he had pain. But since the tests showed nothing, they discharged him. They had not called his brother as James had not wanted to alarm him, but the girlfriend finally gave in and called.

My friend went home and then called me a bit later saying James was on his way back to the hospital and he would let me know as soon as he heard anything.

I was on pins and needles as yes, James had some issues, but there was no real danger as far as we all knew. We were making plans for him to move in with us once Kile got the house so he could get out of his mom's place.

But at 2:40am on Feb. 10th, I got the call that James was gone. I lost it. I couldn't believe it. I had just talked to him the day before, his brother had dinner with him and he seemed okay. It was a shock to all of us. Yes, he had high blood pressure, yes he had problems with has back due to the rods in it from his accident many years before, but nothing prepared us for this.

He was only 27 years old. I didn't know how to react. I tried to go into work that night after crying for hours on end, but I couldn't do it. My manager took one look at me and said to go home, that I should be at home. I said okay and went home to lie in my bed. I called off for the next couple of days to try to recover.

Thing was, James and I got very close and he became a best friend to me. I didn't realize how close until that horrible phone call. I crumbled. And it was hard for me to go back to work, knowing that we wouldn't have our kooky 3am IM conversations or that he and his girl would not come over and hang out like they used to.

Then on the 18th, it was his funeral. That was terrible, seeing all of his family and most of his friends, most of them folks I knew as well having to say goodbye. I got up and said my tribute, Jack by my side, stammering out the words. I just wanted him to sit up, say it was all a gag, that he wasn't dead. Like it was the best Halloween type prank ever. But it didn't happen.

Then we went to the graveside service and that was even more awful as then it was final. The casket was closed. But the worst was yet to come. James' mom sought me out as her and I had not met each other yet. She hugged me for a long time, telling me how James had loved Jack and I. That she was always hearing about us and how glad she was we were his friends. She went on to say that yes, she knew he had been making plans to move in with us, but in a way she was glad we hadn't moved yet as she got more time to be with him.

That made me bawl again. I knew he cared, but not like that. It was such a great thing to know, but it hurt so much at the same time.

Afterwards, I went to his brother's house with a few others and we sat around talking and we had a few drinks. Now add this to the 2 Monsters I had as well as having worked my Audit shift the night before. We were all trying to forget the events of the day and when I got home, I tried to sleep. But my body was overworn. I began shaking uncontrollably. Jack made me go to emergency.

The doctor put me on an IV and I drained that bag dry. I told him about the last few days and he said I was suffering from massive fatigue and dehydration. I was ordered to not go back to work for the next 2 days.

This scared my husband and he watched over me like a hawk, making sure I ate, drank fluids, and got rest before I went back to work.

So now we are all trying to move forward and pick up the pieces. It really sucks as there are SO many things he and I talked about and shared. I get these twinges and it makes me feel miserable.

But I'm getting better. Or at least trying to.

It comes and goes.

His brother of course took it hard and I racked my brain to try to help him. We talked and it helped a little. I am trying to be strong as I know that's what James would want. Finally, this last week, I stumbled upon something that we could do and we went out, just he and I. On the 27th, we went to the shooting range.

I had never been and it was weird how doing that activity really was a release of so much tension. It was therapeutic for him as well. We plan on going again soon.

Of course, it doesn't ease the sadness completely, oh no. But it was nice to be able to lose myself in something for a teensy while.

So that's the gist of the news for right this moment. I am going to go and make myself busy as now my brain is full of memories and I need to not start crying again, because I promised I'd take care of myself.

I'll write again soon.

Until next time...

RIP, Michael Jackson

Now I have not written in my journal for a while and I'm sorry.

But today I am posting something that I feel I really need to say..

After going onto some of the forums that I post on, I saw so many that are negative. So, this is what I had to say to everyone:

-Ah, I get to be the unpopular one yet again. I am going to use the statement I said on my Facebook after I had posted a picture with "RIP Michael, you will be missed" and then receiving a few snide remarks.

"You are entitled to your opinion, but I know in my case I am sad he is gone. He was an amazing entertainer, regardless of his personal life.

And I am sure I am not alone in thinking that."

I didn't find jokes about him funny when he was alive either. Maybe that makes me the odd duck out, but I was never ashamed to say I was a fan. Ever.

Too many folks forget or choose not to acknowledge just how many musicians and others in the industry owe their careers to his innovations and imagination.

I am not saying he didn't have some eccentricities. But what celebrity doesn't or didn't?

Who out there watched that Thriller video and thought so many different things and grew up to do them? Such as Rick Baker's makeup or John Landis' directing? Or being a band and knowing that they could push that envelope a bit more instead of the same things that were popular at the time?

I'm not saying he's a god, but take out your cd collection today. Look at it and think, "If Michael hadn't done all the things he did in his life, would this even exist?" I'd bet it wouldn't.

That's my soapbox and I'll thank you to put it back when you're done.-

And that is all for now.

Today is a day of remembrance in our house

Now while most jokesters are acting all crazy and playing pranks on each other, we have lit candles and been very solemn today.

It's more Jack than myself, but I support him in all that he does. Today is a special day in Jack's book. It is Rozz Williams' death day.

Now for those who don't know, Rozz is considered the father of Gothic music, deathrock to be exact. He lived a fairly obscure life, but left a mark on Gothic culture. Some say he was Gothic culture.

Unfortunately, his personal turmoil made him so unhappy that he took his own life on April 1st in 1998. His ashes are in the Hollywood Forever cemetery and we have visited every year that we have been together on or as close to that day as possible.

He is what helped to form part of what Jack is today. So I look upon today as not a day of frivolity, but of inspiration and reflection.

This is Rozz' memorial video:


(WARNING: This may not be appropriate for everyone)

If you want to learn more about Rozz and his life, go to www.rozznet.com.

Today is..

the day that I will post 2 separate posts. One is kind of sad and the other is happy. I don't feel they should be mixed. First off the sadness:

Today is the day that my dear Nana passed away in 1992. I remember when I got the call. I couldn't cry. I felt like Anne when she had heard that Matthew had died. The ache was so terrible that I didn't cry until a few days later when I saw the family.

I miss her. Sometimes more than others. Even though she could be a crank at times (like all of us have been at one time or another), she still made me laugh and I always felt loved. I was happy that she at least got to hold my daughter once before she was gone.

I am proud to have her name and keep her memory alive in my heart. One of the best memories I have is not of the hospital where she sat up with all the tubes in her to yell at my aunt, although that was funny and just like her.

No, my favorite is when I would stay at her house on the weekend and we would walk to Jack In The Box, then I would ride on the horses. Then we would come back to watch Elvira and Kung Fu Theater on KHJ, channel 9.

It was a strange magic that existed there. I know it now. I wish I could take Jack to that marvelous house. I wonder what ever happened to it afterwards. I have never asked for fear it would be too painful.

But today is her day. I love you so much.

I am beyond rational thinking at this point.

Let me explain...

I am at work until 11pm. Jack said he would pick up the kids after work, which was originally supposed to be after 9pm. Now Keith's group home has a curfew, which is 9pm, so I asked Lisa( the kids' stepmom) yesterday if she would mind picking up Keith around 6pm today and take him to their house.

That way, Jack could make one stop and we wouldn't miss Keith. She said to me no problem and I thought everything was settled.

Oh no, I call a frantic voice mail from Keith at about 5pm. I go in the back office and Keith is almost crying saying that he got a call from Lisa and she told him she wouldn't be there until 9pm. Uh, what? I call him and he tells me that Lisa had called him to tell him this and he's freaking out, thinking that he won't be able to see me or his grandma or anyone and is pretty upset.

Well thankfully, Jack was called in earlier and is supposed to be off at 7pm. I tell him it's okay, that Jack will get him from the group home and not to worry. He keeps asking me "Are you sure, Mom? He'll be here?"

I'm standing there wanting to strangle that woman for causing my baby such stress.But I compose myself and tell him yes, Jack will be there. Don't worry and I will see you soon. He seems to calm down and we say love you as we hang up. I leave a message for Jack on his voice mail as well as a text summarizing the situation.

I then call Alex to see if Lisa is there at the house. She says no, what's wrong Mom? I tell her what happened and she about loses it. I tell her it's okay and we have it taken care of. I tell her to not say anything to Lisa as it's not worth it and I will deal with it at a later time.

She says okay and I hang up with her. I then call Lisa and of course it goes to voice mail. Swallowing my anger, I leave a message simply stating that Jack is off earlier than anticipated and that he will be picking up Keith, so she doesn't have to.

Oh the words that were stuck in my throat. I absolutely loathe that woman. I do. I have tried so hard to make the effort, but she seems hellbent on making sure the kids despise their father. It's horrible, really. I have done everything in my power to NEVER say anything bad against the two of them in their earshot.

But in almost 2 years time, she has effectively destroyed the relationships the kids had with him. Keith tells me he is happy his dad is gone, which makes me sad. And Alex, well, she has finally reached a point that she cannot take the nonsense anymore. It hurts to know that. I'm not saying it's entirely Lisa's fault, but Daryl didn't stand up and protest very hard either.

But....I am NOT going to let that ruin my happy family time. Nope, I won't. When I see my kids smiling faces, all that pain and disgustedness will go away. It will be replaced by love, happiness and hugs. And that's what is really important.

Goodbye, Halloween closeout stuffs

Oh well, we went back last night and yep, I was right. Since the other things were fancier, the vendors took them back. AWWW. But as I said before, that's okay because my Korbel display is pretty cool.

We were able to get a few items on severe clearance through, so that was fun. The only thing I thought was funny is that the store already had their Christmas tree up with some purchasable (?) toys in the exact place where the Halloween decor had been.. Sheesh, just give me a few moments to breathe!

I do like Christmas, but dang it's technically still Autumn, isn't it? What happened to putting up X-mas decor after Thanksgiving? After the Macy's parade was over? I still do that, regardless. Then everything stays up until January 1st.

My mama taught me right.

And on a sad note, our jack-o-lantern has gone to that pumpkin graveyard so un-romantically named the dumpster. Here it is in its' last moments:

It's horrible that something so neat died such a tragic death so quickly. But I was very tempted to buy one of the pumpkins at the store last night and wait until around Christmas to carve a Santa or a snowman on it. There's festive for you!

Ooh, that's still an idea...