I decided to re-start my journal...

And get ready. It's gonna be a LONG post.

So let's see, my last post was in what August? So a ton of things have happened since that time.

In September 2010, I finally got off my ass and got out of the HIE and into a hotel that is 100 times better where they have a proper management system and treat their employees like humans. Yeah, I know.

I'm still doing Audit, but I am making a hell of a lot more and have full benes. Whoo! And I'm right across from Disney again. YAY!

In October 2010, 10-10-10 to be exact, Jack and I finally were married. It was a splendid ceremony, not at Knott's like we had been trying for, but another venue that actually worked out so much better. It was at The Empty Grave, a maze located at the Anaheim Gardenwalk owned by some of Jack's friends. That had some of our family and closest friends attending, even most of my family was there.

I will post a different blog with pics for that soon.

Also was of course Haunt, and this year was a group trip, with Jack, Alex, Keith, Alex's boyfriend Paul and myself. And we had a blast as usual. Keith was already chomping at the bit asking for Haunt in 2011. I love that boy.

November went by nicely and I was able to have a small Thanksgiving with my turkey and all the trimmings.

December was busy, busy as all of us were working and possibly trying to move into a house with our friend Kile. I hadn't planned on putting up the tree or really celebrating, but to my surprise I came home Christmas morning to see that the tree and some decor was up as well as some gifts under the tree. That was a very sweet thing to do and a nice day. I also received my 3 month review to which I got a very good result.

January? Well, January was a pretty smooth month. Not too many things, basic life stuff.

But February....ah, now this past month was a lot to deal with. On the 8th, I had my birthday. We of course went to Disneyland and spent the whole day there. It was great fun as always.

But then tragedy happened on the 9th. A friend of mine(James' brother)was over visiting and he got a call from James' girlfriend. It was her saying that James was in the emergency room and that he was going home after being there for 6 hours. No one knew what was wrong, only that he had pain. But since the tests showed nothing, they discharged him. They had not called his brother as James had not wanted to alarm him, but the girlfriend finally gave in and called.

My friend went home and then called me a bit later saying James was on his way back to the hospital and he would let me know as soon as he heard anything.

I was on pins and needles as yes, James had some issues, but there was no real danger as far as we all knew. We were making plans for him to move in with us once Kile got the house so he could get out of his mom's place.

But at 2:40am on Feb. 10th, I got the call that James was gone. I lost it. I couldn't believe it. I had just talked to him the day before, his brother had dinner with him and he seemed okay. It was a shock to all of us. Yes, he had high blood pressure, yes he had problems with has back due to the rods in it from his accident many years before, but nothing prepared us for this.

He was only 27 years old. I didn't know how to react. I tried to go into work that night after crying for hours on end, but I couldn't do it. My manager took one look at me and said to go home, that I should be at home. I said okay and went home to lie in my bed. I called off for the next couple of days to try to recover.

Thing was, James and I got very close and he became a best friend to me. I didn't realize how close until that horrible phone call. I crumbled. And it was hard for me to go back to work, knowing that we wouldn't have our kooky 3am IM conversations or that he and his girl would not come over and hang out like they used to.

Then on the 18th, it was his funeral. That was terrible, seeing all of his family and most of his friends, most of them folks I knew as well having to say goodbye. I got up and said my tribute, Jack by my side, stammering out the words. I just wanted him to sit up, say it was all a gag, that he wasn't dead. Like it was the best Halloween type prank ever. But it didn't happen.

Then we went to the graveside service and that was even more awful as then it was final. The casket was closed. But the worst was yet to come. James' mom sought me out as her and I had not met each other yet. She hugged me for a long time, telling me how James had loved Jack and I. That she was always hearing about us and how glad she was we were his friends. She went on to say that yes, she knew he had been making plans to move in with us, but in a way she was glad we hadn't moved yet as she got more time to be with him.

That made me bawl again. I knew he cared, but not like that. It was such a great thing to know, but it hurt so much at the same time.

Afterwards, I went to his brother's house with a few others and we sat around talking and we had a few drinks. Now add this to the 2 Monsters I had as well as having worked my Audit shift the night before. We were all trying to forget the events of the day and when I got home, I tried to sleep. But my body was overworn. I began shaking uncontrollably. Jack made me go to emergency.

The doctor put me on an IV and I drained that bag dry. I told him about the last few days and he said I was suffering from massive fatigue and dehydration. I was ordered to not go back to work for the next 2 days.

This scared my husband and he watched over me like a hawk, making sure I ate, drank fluids, and got rest before I went back to work.

So now we are all trying to move forward and pick up the pieces. It really sucks as there are SO many things he and I talked about and shared. I get these twinges and it makes me feel miserable.

But I'm getting better. Or at least trying to.

It comes and goes.

His brother of course took it hard and I racked my brain to try to help him. We talked and it helped a little. I am trying to be strong as I know that's what James would want. Finally, this last week, I stumbled upon something that we could do and we went out, just he and I. On the 27th, we went to the shooting range.

I had never been and it was weird how doing that activity really was a release of so much tension. It was therapeutic for him as well. We plan on going again soon.

Of course, it doesn't ease the sadness completely, oh no. But it was nice to be able to lose myself in something for a teensy while.

So that's the gist of the news for right this moment. I am going to go and make myself busy as now my brain is full of memories and I need to not start crying again, because I promised I'd take care of myself.

I'll write again soon.

Until next time...